No one wants to hear about your sandwich.
If you can’t say it in 140 characters or less, I don’t want to hear it.
Alright, here’s the thing. I love twitter. I tweet (twat?) more than I wash my hair. I keep a note on my phone with my random one-liners so I always have something to say. I am ashamed to admit that I’ve had dreams about tweeting. Having said all that and, quite possibly, removed any cool points I have accumulated thus-far, I have a lot of rules surrounding what I will and will not tweet.
#1: “FML”
Yeah, I get it. You’re sad. Shit’s hard. Your wife left you. Your dog died. Your brother’s in a coma. DON’T FUCKING TWEET IT, JUST FIX IT. The last thing you need to do to yourself in this troubling time is give the entire world a play-by-play of your miserable existence. Not only does it make you look moderately pathetic, but it’s a cry-for-help that never gets positive attention. I hate to get all “The Secret” on you, but focusing on the negativity in your life does nothing but bring more negativity.
#2: I don’t care where you are.
I’m sure it’s the highlight of your day to be at the Starbucks on Webster and Halsted. Oh yeah…there’s that cute barista that always puts an extra shot in your coffee and smiles at you. It’s love, and once you get the courage to slip her your number, the next step is mad and passionate lovemaking on the sugar-and-cream bar. It’s always nice to know that someone has a little bit of excitement in their morning, but I don’t give a shit where you are, so don’t tweet about it. I especially don’t want to know the exact address, because I do not intend to meet you there. If you wanted me to show up, you’d call or text me.
#3: Your life is mundane.
If I gave you a play-by-play of my day, you would without a doubt think I led the most horribly boring existence. I get up. I take a shower. I go to work. I get coffee at lunch. I eat something (sandwich?). I go home. I play on the internet. This shit gets old quickly, so please don’t tell me about your day. Unless you are the lone survivor of the zombie apocalypse or Bjork (who probably can talk to trees), your day is fucking dull from an outsider’s perspective.
#4: OMG EVERYTHING’S SUPER, I <3 LIFE
In direct correlation to rule number one, there’s rule number four. I will happily read “I <3 Life" tweets every once in a while and I may even congratulate you, but I'm really not interested in reading about how great your significant other, job, dog, etc. is on a daily basis. It's not interesting.
#5: Catastrophe is not tweet-worthy.
I heard a pretty awful story recently about an acquaintance who suffered the awful loss of a relative in a suicide. This acquaintance live-tweeted the whole event. “He was pronounced dead.” “They are covering his body.” “They are wheeling him into the ambulance.” This is what my friends and I lovingly call “def-totes-scrotes inappropes”. I understand the desire to have someone bear witness to your tragedy, to reach out into the ether and pull some solace through, but that’s what a telephone and loved-ones are for, DO NOT USE TWITTER FOR THIS. You only succeed in making yourself look like an insensitive douchebag that wants attention.
Yeah, I know I sound kind of harsh with all this, but I take Twitter very seriously.
